DITZY has been working feverishly to bring you the most significant contribution to species classification since Darwin took a trip to the Galapagos. After 183 years of relative academic stagnation, we are proud to introduce this century’s big breakthrough - the 5 essential facebook profiles.
The Entertainer
General profile curation medium-to-poor
All personal vanity laid aside in pursuit of comedic and entertainment gold
Regularly makes a mockery of your ‘like’ traffic by pulling in triple figures for statuses asking if anyone has a spare fish tank
Possible originator of several high-profile memes that were anonymously ‘trickled down’ via Tumblr
Doesn’t seem to keep ‘conventional’ working hours
The Blogger
Ambient hues of colour-coordinated prof pic/cover photo greet you like soft jazz at a tasteful dinner party
Full of sun-soaked, hazy Instagram uploads depicting craft activities, linen totes bags and tiny expressos placed tastefully next to cracked-spine penguin classics
Only seems to go places where it is dusk/an Italian piazza/the Toast A/W catalogue shoot
Has handsome matching linen spouse
Disappointing lack of ‘Zante 2008’ albums
The Absentia
Sporadic facebook presence screams of a richly satisfying offline life
Total of 35 photos since joining 2004
All profile pictures double-scanned jaunty polaroids or ‘ironic’ pictures of defamed politicians/bad footwear/fat Americans
Sexy analogue enigma who you suspect is emotionally unavailable and only ‘remembers’ to reply to texts once every fortnight
Re-surfaces for one searing annual post that will be the talk of several sub-reddit pages for weeks after (what does it all MEAN?)
The Protagonist
Sinister grasp of facebook’s primary function as advertising platform
Uses hashtags in the ‘proper way’
Does fantastic ‘fuck off’ shots of drinking champagne by infinity pools at sunset
Has mastered the art/science (?) of the perfect selfie
Gets sent free stuff by detox juice companies
Always seems to be on holiday
Strangely heart-warming and hateable at the same time
The Gen-X
Parent or other relation
Enthusiastically ‘likes’ all posts regardless of content or quality. Would comment *smiley with heart eyes* under a post of your own faeces
Has 7 people on their newsfeed
Doesn’t know what the newsfeed is
Shares spam chains by accident
Still writes on people’s ‘walls’
Accidentally liked that post the one time you let them stalk your ex-boyfs new girlfriend on your phone. Never forgiven.
Written and illustrated by Jess Bird
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