‘I don’t use dating apps, they’re not my thing.’ Famous last words. Last weekend I momentously, enthusiastically, and hypocritically downloaded bumble (it’s feminist, OK guys). Quick scour of the facebook pics, crop out the ex boyf, arrange in an order which says ‘Hey I’m wacky and don’t take my appearance too seriously but also LOOK HOW FIT I AM in this next one.’ Quick bit of bio – ‘I’m that perfect blend of cute, sexy, funny’ – and I’M OFF. (Who runs the world? GIRLS).

But wait a minute, there’s something afoot. A glitch? Déjà vu? A covert government breeding policy? HOW DO I TELL YOU ALL APART? Here’s what 48 hours of bumbling taught me about men.

1) Fitness is life, LIFE (They better bloody back that up with a piccy, that cheese should GRATE on those abs)

2) They will use their dog to try and fuck you (they will quite literally spell that out – ‘Yes, the dog is mine, oh, and it’s a puppy 😉’)

3) They love Kanye (THEY LOVE DRAKE MORE)

4) You can find them on the slopes or out for a hike (do I have to bloomin’ join them?)

5) They are chilled* (*boring/*stoned)

Lucky number 6) They are looking to leave the single market before the UK does (HAW HAW HAW tell it again why don’t you).

So thank you Bumble, that was truly enlightening! I’m being a d*** I know, I have had some excellent chats with some lovely individuals, not all men are the same blah blah blah. If anything, it’s nice to know that, if I wanted, I could get a free workout to Drake, before taking a cute puppy for a walk in a mountainous area… with maybe a proposal at the top?! How exciting. Shame about the ‘chillness’ though – whatever, they can roll me a fat joint too.

Written by Flo Chester

Illustrated by Jess Bird